Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Out of the closet

Well, I really don't know if I came out of the closet, or if I drug my wife into my closet. But, the bottom line is: She knows.

I was in our room last evening lying on the bed. I've been contemplating talking to her ever since she returned from visiting our daughter; so, I trying to determine if I had the courage to go out and talk to her, or if I was going to chicken out again as I usually do.

Then she came into our room crying. She said things have been different ever since she returned. I didn't think I was acting any different - shows you how clueless I am sometimes (OK, maybe all the time). Through her sobs, she told me that she loved me, and that whatever was going on with me that we could work it out together. And, then she hit me with a ton of bricks - she said that she was worried that I was going to leave her. I had no idea I had been acting so aloof as to cause her to even think that. I am such an idiot sometimes (OK, maybe most of the time).

To make a long story short, I told her that I had some things I needed to tell her. She then responded that she had a good idea what it was. It still took me a while to get the words out; but, eventually, I told her that I have same sex attraction. She told me she was worried about me looking at pornography because I've been spending so much time on the computer lately. I confessed that I have looked at pornography in the past, but then assured her that it is not a problem in my life right now. I then explained that I had reached out and found other people like me on the internet, Mormon's who have same sex attraction, and that I was spending a lot of time reading blogs and emailing with people I've met. She then surprised me by asking if I had a blog. I'm not going to lie to her; so, I told her I did. I then told her that I wasn't ready to let her read my blog, but that there wasn't anything in my blog that I wouldn't want her to see.

I had some printed copies of my poems; so, I asked her to read a couple of them. Specifically, Alone and The Way I Am. I told her that sometimes I feel alone; but, that The Way I Am reflects how I am feeling today.

She told me that she doesn't understand it. I assured her that I don't really understand it either; so, I didn't expect her to understand it.

We talked about counseling. I told her I had been considering it. I then explained that I first need to decide if I was going to see an LDS counselor or a non-LDS counselor who has experience dealing in gay/lesbian issues. I explained my concerns about LDS counselors and their use of reparative (or conversion) therapy and my issues with that. But, I was also concerned that a non-LDS counselor might tell me to give in to my gay feelings. Afterwards, she said she understood my concerns and would support me in whatever decision I make. She then asked if I would have a problem if she went to see an LDS counselor and I told her that I thought she should.

I told her that I didn't want the Bishop to know. She agreed and said that there was no reason for him to know. That this was between her, me, and God.

She told me that she didn't want me to tell our children and I agreed.

We talked for a while and then we went to bed. I was laying facing the wall. I could hear her tossing and turning; and, I didn't think I could lie facing her because I felt so ashamed. I wasn't ashamed of being gay, I accept that now. But, I'm ashamed of the hurt I have caused her.

This morning, after our scripture study, I gave her a hug and asked her if she was digging out of the ton of bricks I had dumped on her last night. She responded "not yet, but I'm OK".

I don't know where this is going to take us. I'm glad she knows - I didn't like keeping this secret from her. I just hope that it is something that we can talk about openly between us and that it doesn't become the elephant in the room that we both pretend to ignore.


Anonymous said...

Well, you did it. Sounds like your wife is a very, very good woman who loves you very much.

When my husband and I have talked about how SSA affects our marriage, I have drawn strength from remembering the positives about our lives together, especially the fact that we have this amazing family that I am DETERMINED Satan will not break up - not if I can help it!

I have also found it helpful to know that other women have challenges in their marriages and they find strength with their spouses to make things work. When you feel the time is appropriate or when your wife is ready, you might direct her towards blogs of other women who are dealing with this quite successfully. Go to gaymormonandmarried and you will see his wife has started a very, very hopeful and inspirational blog. Also, do not forget the reassurance your wife may need at this time of your righteous desires - continue to court her, take her to the temple, do fun things with her ...

Continued good wishes for you and your family ...

Chris said...

This reminds me a lot of the experience I had telling my wife. Things will be better with this out in the open between the two of you.

Beck said...

Chris says it will be "better" with this open between you. I can testify (as only one who has truly been where you are right now) that it will be "better", but it is going to get WORSE first before it gets better - and how you handle her vulnerability right now will determine how worse it will get.

More later...

Silus Grok said...

I don't know if "congratulations" is the right word, but I'm proud of you.

-L- said...

LDS counselors don't necessarily encourage reparative therapy. As you probably noted, Elder Oaks SPECIFICALLY mentioned in the last general conference that the church endorses no specific therapy for folks with SSA.

On the other hand, any decent non-LDS counselor shouldn't try to get you to act inconsistently with your own values either. That is, if they try to get you to see things their way instead of your way, they're guilty of malpractice. Value neutral counseling is standard of care.

Good luck getting the help you need. Your wife needs some private appointments of her own.